Attachment theory describes the nature of emotional attachment between humans. It starts like children with our attachment to our parents. The nature of this attachment, and how much it is encouraged and cared for, will then influence the nature of our attachment to romantic partners later in our lives. Attachment theory started in the 1950s and has since amassed a small mountain of research behind it. Two researchers named Bowlby and Ainsworth discovered that the nature in which infants meet their needs through their parents contributes significantly to their “attachment strategy” throughout their lives. According to psychologists, there are certain attachment strategies that adults can adopt: safe, anxious, avoidant and anxious.
Here’s why your relationships keep failing:
The Healthy Lovers Strategy (Secure Type)
It is easy to be close to others and comfortable according to others. They don’t mind to depend. They rarely fear being abandoned or that someone gets too close to them. They have a positive self-image and perceive others positively.
These beliefs give them the potential to ask for what they want in a relationship. Research indicates that only 50% of the population has this strategy.
The Manipulative Lovers Strategy (Anxious Type)
This guy has a hard time finding other people who want to get as close as they want. They often fear that their partner does not really like them or does not want to stay with them. These beliefs tend to reinforce this type of behavior. This guy devalues himself and puts the others on a pedestal. As a result, they work to meet the expectations of others. They are also in need because they seek external validation for their value, as they do not feel worthy themselves. Studies indicate that women, more than men, use this strategy.
Leave Me Alone Strategy (Avoidant Type)
This guy is uncomfortable with close emotional relationships. When this guy was younger, it is likely that their parents were not available. Therefore, this guy does not like to depend on others or that others depend on them. They need to feel independent and empowered because they have learned that proximity is more painful than isolation.
Enter Attachment Theory
Have you ever wondered why therapists are obsessed with your childhood problems? Countless studies have found similarities in the way people behave with their romantic partner as they did with their parents in childhood. The researcher has discovered that how we meet our needs when we are young, determines the beliefs we have about what we deserve in love, how others should treat us, and how we should treat others as adults. . Their research led to the famous attachment theory, which has become a psychological model for describing the dynamics of long-term interpersonal relationships.
Attachment theory says that our initial relationships with our parents shape, but do not reinforce, our individual expectations for our later relationships. It is not that our childhood and adult relationships are the same, but that our close relationships in our childhood and the expectations we form about us draw a model of how our adult relationships should be.
Attachment is like the red emergency button in your brain. When life is good and fun, the button is off. As a child, we bend our noses, play in the earth and explore the world around us in all its capacity. As adults, we see friends, work on our dreams and enjoy life’s hobbies. Your fiancée is thinking of canceling the marriage. All of these experiences are zero. They complicate things by creating anxiety, and that activates our attachment button.
When our attachment button is activated, it sends emergency signals throughout our brain and our body to focus on bringing together – physical, emotional and psychological our lovers. Our romantic partners can accept or reject our need for closeness just like our parents. Our bad attachment experiences influence our willingness to explore and become emotionally safe and happy adults.