Many spouses ignore the alarms of discontent that their partner has been ringing for years. For them, no complaint seemed to be a cause of divorce. When their spouse “suddenly” announces that he is moving, that he wants to end the marriage or that he has even already asked for a divorce, the ground below trembles like an earthquake. Is there a way for this last point to stop a divorce?
Tips to save your marriage from divorce:
Refocus on yourself.
When you feel angry, your attention will tend to focus on your spouse, what he does or does not do that frustrates you. This second step requires a change of focus, to focus on him outward to focus on his own concerns and desires. Go back to your list and ask yourself, “What do I want with this problem?” Or “What is my concern?”. Recheck. Do you write down what you want your spouse to do differently? This strategy will get you nowhere. Instead, use your energy to figure out what you want, then what you could do differently to get it, becoming “self-centered” in the best possible way. When spouses look at what they could do differently to get what they want, there is progress.
Smother the urge to play the victim.
Don’t forget the positive qualities you can bring to a wedding and find out how to enhance them in their colors. Very soon, you will start to believe more in yourself. Let your actions speak louder than your words. Record your words to enjoy or open conversations with your spouse, not for comments about yourself. Flattery will take you everywhere; praise of self can be a refusal. Strong people give a lot of positivity. Almost smile.
Look and feel your best.
Appearance – both what you look like and how you feel about your appearance – can be a huge factor in stopping a divorce. Get a new haircut that you like. Pay attention to the clothes you wear; throw away those loose sweatpants and those uncomfortable shoes. Imagine what you would look like if you were at your best. If the picture is not clear, watch out for people you find attractive at the grocery store or the well-dressed people you see on TV. Then use this information to find out how to update and energize your own personal style.
Clean up all the old hurts.
Learn about your partner’s negative feelings and feelings that may have caused the divorce. Write down a list of all the times your ex remembers with anger or bitterness. Also, create your own list. Then go through each item in the list, one by one, to “find the problem.” This means that each of you must seek your own part in misunderstandings and errors. No one can comment on what the other did, which was problematic. Just try to understand what you did that unintentionally contributed to the problem. Next, determine what you can do differently in the future to avoid repetition.
Express concerns constructively and make decisions cooperatively.
A simple way to stay constructive in sensitive conversations is to choose from the following trio of new beginners:
“My fear is …”
“I would like…”
Understanding their mutual concerns is essential to start doing what I call a win-win waltz. The goal of the win-win waltz is to find solutions that both of you enjoy. No more aiming your way. Instead, try to feel comfortable with your plan of action. To make the win-win, note that you have differences, which will likely become apparent because you start to argue or feel hopeless. Express your underlying concerns. Discover and share your partner’s concerns. Then create an action plan that addresses the concerns of both of you.
Give positive energy to your partner.
Smile more; hug more; have more sex; be more grateful; spend more time dwelling on the things you love about each other; help each other more; rent more; laugh more; agree more; do more fun things together. The best things in life are really free. The more positive points you give, the more you will get.