Attachment theory is an area of psychology that explains the nature of attachment on an emotional level between humans. It starts with children because they are more attached to their parents. The nature of this attachment, and how much it is encouraged and cared for, will then influence the nature of our attachment to romantic partners later in our lives. Attachment theory started in the 1950s and has since amassed a small mountain of research behind it. Two researchers named Bowlby and Ainsworth have found that the nature in which infants meet their needs through their parents contributes significantly to their “attachment strategy” throughout their lives. Each of us behaves in relationships in three different ways:
- Anxious people tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them in return.
- Avoidants equate intimacy with a loss of autonomy and constantly try to minimize proximity.
- Safe people feel comfortable with intimacy and are generally warm and loving.
Attachment is the basis of suffering and healing. It has to do with feeling safe with others and having to choose the right people who can offer us that security. If we succeed, we will have much better relationships.
American society is different when it comes to proximity to people. She felt that the most important thing was to write about attachment styles and the issue of addiction. She saw it as a given, she didn’t even think it was worth the chapter. Because for her, it was: “What’s new here? Of course, we all need each other. Here in the United States, it is not obvious. That’s what I explained to him and finally, we decided to include this chapter. In some ways, American society is more avoidant. We put so much emphasis on autonomy and independence and we equalize them, but it is not the same thing. Because in reality autonomy is basically, “I can’t trust anyone else, I have to do everything myself.”
The addiction paradox is the basis of this security system. Anxious people think that concern is a sign of greater love. It’s like something is wrong with love in the relationship. Everything was so exciting at first and now it’s like the world goes on and we have a lot of interest outside. It may actually mean that the relationship is good. When people can be consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable, the attachment system is not activated and the relationship is calm and stable. Again, it’s not like you’re thinking of giving a big gift or buying jewelry, it has nothing to do with it.