I have put together a list of non-gendered ways that couples can sabotage their relationships.
Here are some signs you’re sabotaging your relationship:
Whatever your age, you have expectations. You can expect a cloak and sword knight in shining armor in romantic relationships because you read too many romance novels, or you can expect a friend who is loyal to absolute death because it is how you are. These kinds of expectations are part of the preconceptions that we all have, and they are usually based on our past experiences or on how we behave.
If you are the type of person who is fiercely loyal or who gives everything they have to a relationship, then you are likely to expect the same from another person. This is mainly because we are all used to our own way of thinking, and for some of us it is difficult to relate to something different. We often reject them instantly. This is especially true for romantic relationships.
You focus more on mistakes rather than what’s right.
The basic truth in life is that humans tend to find what they are looking for in their world. Some people are convinced that we are on the road to immediate ruin while others believe that we are living in the most exciting time to be alive in history. Both opinions may indicate outstanding arguments to support their premise.
This is because humans have the ability to live in a world of their own making, simply by choosing where we focus. You can focus on what you have as a lazy, forgetful and worthless partner, or you can see it as a wonderful, loving partner who occasionally neglects a request when distracted. Which would you choose to spend your life with, since the choice is yours? As you believe, you will perceive it.
Making things personally and everything about you.
Human beings usually try to meet their perceived needs, even if it sometimes means violating their values in one way or another. The truth is that it often has very little to do with someone else because the needs of someone else are just not as critical as your own needs. It makes sense, right? This is why it is a huge waste of time and energy to demonize a partner’s actions and do them yourself.
Instead, choose to sympathize with their needs. What better way to demonstrate maturity and self-worth than by recognizing that your partner has needs that also deserve to be met? When you take it personally and your feelings hurt too much, it interrupts communication, makes problem-solving almost impossible, and puts you both at risk. Look for common ground instead of an insult.
You don’t prioritize your relationship.
What you don’t celebrate will eventually deteriorate. A relationship, like all living things, needs care, care, and continued nourishment if you want it to not only survive, but thrive. Too often, we are hypnotized by random unfinished business, endless requests and shiny objects from a 24/7 media world.
The key here is to institute rituals. If you enjoy what you have, institute a regular nighttime ritual of dating or a bedtime ritual – such as a recording of nocturnal gratitude or just time for couples. Now is not the time to let off steam or complain. It’s time to connect, relax and fill up for the next day. If it seems too difficult to do on a daily basis, try it once for a week or a month. The idea is to develop a habit and muscle. It is the culmination of many trips that gives you the desired results. Again, let the ritual do the work and you will thank me later.
You expect them to think and act exactly like you.
Do you know the root cause of almost every argument between a couple in a relationship? It is a kind of divergence between their individual values, their beliefs, their habits or their expectations. That’s it. To be successful in the long run, it is important to be on similar pages regarding some of the most important topics in life. It should also be remembered that a relationship is between two individuals.
It is important that you give your partner the opportunity to have their own opinions and views without trying to modify or adapt them to your way of thinking. An effective partnership is really about becoming a volunteer team because you recognize that together you are better than the sum of your parts. When it comes to reconciling your differences, you really only have three good choices: you can celebrate, mitigate, or erase them. Which would you prefer?
You’re inauthentic or lose respect for one another.
As long as these are opposites, there are essentially two states for living in true, complete and radical authenticity. You live either fully expressed, completely repressed or somewhere in between. People who express themselves fully and who are on the path to self-realization tend to be among the happiest and most fulfilled people you will ever meet. Likewise, depressed individuals tend to live with varying degrees of shame, unhappiness or even self-loathing. In fact, repressed individuals often attack society with violence or criminal activity when the frustration becomes too great.
The best thing about relationships at their best is that it is in the bonds of true intimacy where individuals are free to express themselves completely, to be accepted and even protected. One of the great ironies of human experience is that there is perhaps no more strength to bring two people closer than true radical authenticity. People who are free and do not apologize are considered powerful and convincing. Even when two parties disagree completely, nothing has the power to bring them together more beautifully than gross vulnerability, when expressed without attack.