Men, if you want your marriage to last, cultivating emotional intelligence, also known as EQ, is key. In fact, in a long-term study of honeymooners, it was men with precisely this skill set who were much less likely to divorce. The problem is however that due to a handful of cultural and psychological reasons, men often lack the kinds of equalization that make relationships work. And when they do, their marriage has an 81% chance of dissolution, according to the author of “The Seven Principles for Marriage to Work”, Dr. John M. Gottman.
It is not that marriage cannot survive moments of anger, complaints or criticism. Couples are in trouble when they combine negativity and negativity instead of fixing the defusing conflict. The four horsemen – criticism, defense, contempt, obstruction – are telltale signs that a man resists the influence of his wife. My purpose is not to insult men. It takes two for marriage to work, and it is equally important that wives treat their husbands with honor and respect. But Dr. Gottman’s research indicates that the majority of wives – even in unhappy marriages – already do.
This does not mean that women do not get angry or even despise their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making based on their opinions and feelings. The data suggests that men do not return the favor. The husband who lacks emotional intelligence rejects the influence of his wife because he fears a loss of power. And because he doesn’t want to accept influence, he won’t be influential. The emotionally intelligent husband is curious about his wife’s emotions because he respects her. Although this man cannot express his emotions in the same way as his wife, he will learn to connect better with her.
When she needs to speak, he stops the football game and listens. He will choose “us” rather than “me”. He will understand his wife’s inner world, continue to admire him and communicate that respect by turning to her. His relationship, his sex life, and his general joy will be much greater than the man who lacks emotional intelligence. The emotionally intelligent husband seems to become a better father as he is not afraid of feelings.
How to accept influence
Dr. Gottman suspects men who resist the influence of their wives do so without realizing it. Accepting influence is both a state of mind and a skill cultivated by paying daily attention to your spouse. Accepting your partner’s influence is the most important strategy for gaining more respect, power, and influence. Do you want to have a happy and stable marriage? Make your commitment to your partner stronger than your commitment to winning him. If you do that, your marriage wins. In all conflicts, both parties have responsibilities as a speaker and a listener. As a listener, it is important to do your best to listen to the offer of connection under the tone, even if that tone may be harsh. In this relationship, Steven tended to be selfish and was not willing to compromise even a little when problems arose. While Lauren’s tone isn’t justified, her frustration is. If she changed startups and Steven was open to influence, the relationship problems would not be so intense and hurtful.